Now I know when you read the blogs of preachers, they usually talk about the privilege of preaching and rarely mention fear or nervousness. Well I happen to be transparent to a fault and I don’t mind telling you that I was straight up- SCARED! It wasn’t the 48 hrs notice or the size of the congregation, for I had stood before that number of people before having only 24 hrs to prepare. Yet fear gripped me so intensely that morning that I actually left the house with literally my Word and my robe- that means no purse, no license, no money, no i.d. At this point in my ministerial journey, I have been preaching for 9 years and I’ve had the opportunity to preach in a number of different environments. However I can honestly tell you that not even on the day of my initial sermon did I feel this kind of anxiety.

In the end the Lord blessed both me and the people in the preaching moment. Once I heard my voice coming through the monitors, I found joy in the place where I’ve always been most comfortable and felt most like myself- in front of other people. In hindsight, I realized that the fear I felt was sent by the enemy and I allowed it to take root by my reluctance to move beyond my comfort zone. I had become comfortable in my role and how others in that environment perceived me, even if it wasn’t entirely authentic to who I really am as a person. This experience reminded me that people are ultimately best served when you willingly walk in the fullness of who God created you to be and allow Him to use you.

Here is an excerpt from that moment and you can see the entire message here.

Since Good Friday I have been consistently wearing my hair straight rather than in it’s natural state. I made the mistake of flat ironing and falling in love with it, so I have yet to go back to curly. I have appreciated seeing this new iteration of my physical appearance as well as the ease with which I am able to keep my hair moisturized. My plan is to continue with this until the heat and humidity takes me under, but so far I’ve been doing okay. I wear my hair down on Sundays and pulled back for the rest of the week. I believe I am manipulating my hair a lot less than I was when I was having to redo twist-outs and bantu knot-outs every few days. Could it be that I am one of those naturals that happens to thrive on heat styling? I guess we will find out in a couple of months when I compare my growth. In the meantime I am having fun with this straight hair, and apparently others seem to like it too.

My Holy Week was spent mostly preparing to preach for my good friend at her church’s 7 Last Words Service. It was a blessing to once again gather at the foot of the cross alongside my sista-preacha-friends in ministry. No matter what ups and downs I experience in ministry (and there have been plenty), sharing the preaching moment with friends who support me has always had a way of allowing me to see God working in my life. I am always so thankful.

This year, preparation was a particular struggle as it was for quite a few of the others. What I now realize is that most of us are experience a shift in our lives and we are walking in a new season. It’s funny how that kind of shift can have such a profound impact on something that you do on a (fairly) regular basis, usually without an enormous amount of struggle. When God shifts, sometimes it causes you to wrestle, struggle, and become a little unsure of yourself. I suppose it is so you will leave room for God to work in a new way. After all, if you could do it on your own you wouldn’t need Him. I’m so thankful that in the end I had the chance to see and experience my own growth through the preaching moment.  More than anything I am thankful that God still speaks, I still hear Him, and He still chooses to use me to be a blessing to His people.

Discipline. I’m hesitant to use the word with regards to any aspect of my behavior because I don’t consider myself disciplined in any real way. Sure, there are things I do religiously like blend smoothies in the morning and make my face before I leave the house when I know I have to be my public self. Yet I don’t know if I’d call that discipline. When I hear that word I tend to think of someone in complete control, thoughtfully taking actions in order to move toward an expected end with predictable results. Not someone who made a haphazard effort to do what she knows she should and was graced with decent results.

I guess it doesn’t really matter how you happen into your acts of discipline. Whether you are carefully predicting measured results, or trying to do the right thing and hoping for the best, I suppose the important thing is that you stick with that thing- whatever it is. Consistency over the long haul (or a short month) may yield surprising results and possibly inspire you to actually become more disciplined.

Now if only I could have more discipline in some other areas of my life.

I’ve also noticed over the past month that I am growing spiritually. The other day I heard myself articulating to a friend my decision to reframe a series of negative, hurtful experiences and see them as happening for my good. I’ve also been more intentional in tasking myself with seeing what I can learn or do differently in every situation. And I’ve noticed too that once I make a decision to move on from something in my head, I’ve been able to ask God to heal my emotions so that they will catch up.

It’s funny how it’s in the incidental unpredictable moments that you actually see that you are growing (physically and spiritually). It may not show up at the times and in the ways we would hope, but we should be happy to know that we really are growing.

I’d seen that interview a couple of times, but this time something she said resonated with me. When asked if she was ever worried that she might have lost “the voice” or that she might not have it anymore, Whitney answered that she was more concerned that she might not have the spirit for it anymore. She was concerned that she might not have the desire and drive to do it anymore. Her response hit me like a ton of bricks because for months I had been trying to figure out why I have felt lackluster (for lack of a better term) with respect to ministry, particularly the part of ministry that requires me to be out front. It’s been quite some time since I’ve had to teach and preach on a regular basis. This season of ministry has taken me more in the direction of sharpening my administrative skills and gifts. Then last week I was reminded that I’d be preaching a 7 Last Words service on Good Friday and I wasn’t excited. I was thankful for the invitation, but I wasn’t excited like I once would have been. It wasn’t until last night that I realized that my concern isn’t about my preach-ability. I just wondered for a moment if I still had the desire and the drive- the right spirit- required for the preparation and wrestling with the Word that preaching requires.

One thing we saw when Whitney made her grand return to the airwaves, the charts, our televisons, and our genral music consciousness was that her spirit seemed renewed. Even though she did not have the same voice, she was still “The Voice”. The essence of what she was, who she was as an artist, still remained and prevailed. She was still as beautiful, captivating, and mesmerizing as ever, and her voice still had the power overwhlem us with a flurry of emotion. Poet William Cullen Bryant’s poem says that “truth crushed to the earth will rise again” (a saying famously quoted by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.). Appaently so will gifting and anointing despite times of doubt, indefinite hiatus, and even our own human inadequacies. The enduring legacy of this songstress and the incredible body of work left behind proves just that.

I simply blow out my hair on a low setting and put in about eight bantu knots all over my head. I don’t have to keep them in overnight although I generally do. I love the results although I haven’t found a way to make the style last without re-twisting into the bantu knots again at night. That’s not a huge deal anyway. For me it’s worth it to look good.

Out of all the commentary and interviews that have been shared in the media over the past week, one thing Jeremy Lin said in an interview with Rachel Nichols struck me the most. In response to learning he would have one more shot to prove himself on the court, he said this to himself:

I’m gonna go back and play this game just as aggressive if not more aggressive. Last year I was trying not to make mistakes, I was trying to fit in. This year I’ve given everything to this year and I’m gonna make sure I do it my way. If it doesn’t get me to where I’m trying to go, then I can live with that. But one thing I know, if I’m gonaa go down I’m gonna go down fighting.

The light bulb revelation for me in what he said is the realization that focusing on fitting in and being consumed with not making any mistakes will generally yield you mediocre results. I don’t think anyone ever really became great by simply trying not to mess up, and blending in doesn’t necessarily mean that you will gain acceptance or approval. Jeremy Lin proves that the best you can do in any situation is to give it (whatever your ‘it’ is) all that you’ve got and let the outcome be what it’s going to be. Reckless abandon seems so… well… reckless. As it turns out that’s precisely what true greatness demands.

I must admit that I too almost walked into 2012 with the same grudges, hurts, and disappointments that weighed me down heavily particularly the second half of 2011. Then I watched this message and had to realize that if I allowed that to happen, I’d forever be stuck in old mess when God is calling me to a new dimension of living. At the end of the day, the things that threaten to keep us beholden to our yesterdays are merely a blip on the radar when you consider the enormity of the life we are really called to live. I believe shaking off foolishness and trading past disappointment for new hope will push us in the direction of the things God has for us in 2012.

Philippians 3 reminds us that in order to reach for that which God has for us, we must forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead for us. Why not choose to let go of last year’s offenses and hurts, to forgive those who may have hurt you, and to move past the disappointment of unmet expectations. Instead look ahead to all the blessings, open doors, and opportunities for growth God will provide in the coming year. The only things that should be allowed to move forward with us into this brand new year are the joy and faith that comes from trusting God to do exceeding abundantly beyond what he did last year and all we can imagine or think for this year.

Happy New Year!